That part of you that you judge the most, is your strength.
I’ve seen this play out in so many ways.
The insatiably curious person that wishes they weren’t so flaky. But it’s that curiosity that urges them toward new places, spaces and conversations - experiences that burst out of them, enriching their life and everyone they engage with.
They’re our storytellers; the ones who connect ideas and help us see things in new ways.
The daydreamer that wishes they could just focus like other people can. But it’s that capacity for imagination and untapped well of creativity that, when expressed, invite others into a worldview more expansive and beautiful than their own.
They’re our artists and entrepreneurs; the ones that create futures we couldn’t see.
The considered thinker that wishes they could move as fast on projects as others do. But it’s that thoughtfulness that filters the projects, tasks and processes that are actually worth exploring and those that are, well, shit.
They’re our meaning-makers; the ones that remind us of the value of our time.
And, the one that’s been a thread through my life:
The sensitive person that wishes they weren’t so impacted by things; that they weren’t so soft. But it’s that sensitivity and softness that allows for the huge reservoirs of empathy, compassion, understanding, connection and love - the qualities that hold people when they need it most.
They’re our hearts; the ones that bind us and remind us what it is to be human.
Another green light of our generation - we’re getting better at appreciating our uniqueness, the parts that make us whole, and the uniqueness of those around us.
When we’re in a good head space, we see these are strengths. But there’s still some fragility to it. It’s not yet fully set or concrete and so in the challenging moments we find it wavering and judgement creeping in.
In two separate podcasts I’ve listened to this week, on two very different topics, from two very different genres, I’ve heard this same theme…
We have to make sure people know how f****** amazing that part of them is.
We have to tell them we see it, we see how bloody great it is, what a gift it is and implore them to keep leaning into it.
If we want the people we love to flourish, we have to take the time, regularly, to reflect their strengths back to them and celebrate the shit out of them.
And we have to do it our way. In our language. With heart and genuineness. Not pre-rehearsed or scraping the surface but really sharing what we see in them and what we want them to see within themselves. Speaking with gravity.
And, as much as it’s not the point of doing it, when we do this we’re reinforcing and embedding this way of thinking within our mind.
We’re reminding ourselves that we too have strengths we don’t always appreciate.
Of course, there’s a role for honest feedback and calibration. This isn’t advocating for blowing smoke up toosh’s - it’s advocating for genuine expression which at times takes the form of challenging to hear but important observations. That too is an expression of love.
I love John & Julia Gottman’s 5:1 principle - a good relationship, of any form, has an average ratio of 5 positive interactions to every 1 negative interaction. Applying that thinking in this context, supporting the people we love to flourish might look like, on average, shining the spotlight on their strengths five times for every one time we highlight an opportunity or downfall.
The Practice
Two simple but fruitful practices this week:
Coming back to the beginning of this post, think about a part of you that you often finding yourself judging, that is actually a strength. Take the time to think through how it feels when you’re judging that part of you - what does it sound like, how does it feel in your body, how does it influence your relationships or how you show up in the world. Then, think about what that part offers you, has created for you or the relationships, experiences and opportunities it’s given you. Notice what that sounds like, how it feels in your body and how you might show up in the world or in your relationships when you’re operating from a perspective of appreciation for that part.
Think about the people in your closest circle and what you see as their strengths. It might be helpful to write it down. Then, and I’m thinking you’ll know where this is going, share it with them. Make sure they know how f****** amazing that part of them is.
Have a beautiful week friends,
With love.
Jesse
Beautiful message Jesse, thanks.